I wanted to vent this out for long, but somehow the time did not come. The reason I say I wanted to vent it out is, I can not take it any more. I have to get it out of my system. Though I am not sure whether writing all about it will help, but as it goes, hope floats. (or does it?)
It started right since I first thought about it, and is still going on.
What I am talking about is, the identity crisis.
I remember once there was this casual chat with one of the professors of our college, and he asked me- "What do you want to become in your life?" And pathetically enough, I did not have an answer!
Perhaps all I could have said was "I want to become happy in my life", but somehow I did not even say that, and the professor seemed both surprised and kind of disappointed, while all others were saying things like "I want to become a CEO of a great firm" and all.
It is like I have woken up from a dream. A dream where I am the hero, excelling at academics, having immense intelligence, vast knowledge of things none would ever imagine a guy of my age to have. But then comes the time when I feel I should wake up.
When I was 5, I did what 10000 people of my age did.
When I was 10, I did what only 5000 of them could do.
When 15, I accomplished something that was limited to as few as 1000 people.
When 17, I did what only 500 people of my age could do.
When 21, I have done what 8 other people around me have done, (or probably less)
And now is the time I think I should do that NONE else has ever done.
But what?
I do not know.
This is what bugs me day in day out. Sleepless nights are spent on the same thing.
"What next?" is a nightmare.
Sometimes I strongly think, that the dream I was having was MUCH better than what I am experiencing right now. I try hard to get back to that state, but am never successful.
Is it possible to start sleepwalking through life once again?
I wonder. I really do.